June 1, 2023
🏳️🌈Pride Edition🏳️⚧️
“Life is not Problematic. We make it Problematic.” - Ancestor, Eartha Kitt
This blog is long!
This is great for a coffee break, a take-my-phone-to-the-bathroom break, or when you-finally-have-some-time-to-yourself break! Enjoy!
Two Retrospectives: One Story
I have two retrospectives coming up in June! These screenings track my growth as a filmmaker and auteur for the last 23 years. Intense and emotive, please join me for either of these screenings. A Q&A session will follow each screening. You can ask me anything.
• June 10, 6:30 pm Little Theater Auditorium New London, MN
LTA Welcomes Atlas O Phoenix, Auteur & Filmmaker
Facebook Event Link: https://fb.me/e/uqVgOGCG
Films:
Little Men
Do I Qualify for Love?
Ordinary
• June 15, 7 pm Trylon Cinema Minneapolis, MN
Flight of the Phoenix: A Retrospective by Atlas O Phoenix
Facebook Event Link: https://fb.me/e/3tsJDrtvK
Films:
Cord
Little Men
This One
Do I Qualify for Love?
Ordinary
Solitude for Healing: Amor Fati
“Amor fati is a Latin phrase that may be translated as "love of fate" or "love of one's fate". It is used to describe an attitude in which one sees everything that happens in one's life, including suffering and loss, as good or, at the very least, necessary.” - Wikipedia
“I want to learn more and more to see as beautiful what is necessary for things; then I shall be one of those who make things beautiful. Amor fati: let that be my love henceforth! I do not want to wage war against what is ugly. I do not want to accuse; I do not even want to accuse those who accuse. Looking away shall be my only negation. And all in all and on the whole: someday I wish to be only a Yes-sayer.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche, The Gay Science, 1882
Since November, I needed to take an extended break from everything and everyone. Things in my life were not so great. And it is my nature to retreat within and resource parts of myself for healing and finding ways out of the trouble I’m in. I am resourceful for others. It was time to be resourceful to myself; to be of service to myself. A quote, a dear friend sent, says, “First save yourself from drowning. Then save others.” This meme was sent to me a long time ago.
I will continue to take this break until it feels right and in alignment to come back into the fold. Alone, I worked on my self-respect, self-love, ideals, values, philosophies, and my relationship with an emotional intelligence that is beyond my control or full understanding. This intelligence has my back. I just have to learn to work through the fear. Fear should be validated. Fear cannot control me.
To continue my three-year journey of renouncing fear, on May 29, I started a 30-day challenge called, “Get the F*ck Outa the Way!” I’m on day five, and it’s pretty sweet. It’s funny how many times I catch myself habitually getting in the way. Let go and let God. Let go, the Universe has you back. Don’t try so hard. All the sayings revolving around forgiveness, self-mastery, and unconditional love permeated my willing and open mind. I always say, “I am fallible and I am malleable.”
During these several months, I thought about my work, love, and spirituality. I came to terms with an unavoidable fact. Whether I am ready or not: I am stepping into my power which includes radically accepting unconditional love from within and without; As within, so without.
The feeling of knowing I am loved is especially overwhelming considering my childhood trauma and the abuse and degradation that accompanied it. This is something I will cover in my upcoming film, Beautiful Boi.
To be an adult in a home of emotionally immature parents who needed my emotional support more than they gave me, I learned to be codependent as early as 5. I was my mother’s best friend, therapist, and punching bag. In my commitment to self-love, I discovered is not a “journey to,” but a daily practice that is filled with beautiful moments followed by deep pitfalls. I see it as a bird that flies high one moment and then low another. The in-between is balance. I’m finding balance more and more every day.
Making this discernment relieved me of feeling guilty for the days I didn’t love myself enough or at all. I discovered, speaking for myself, that it’s better to focus on liking myself first and then onboarding love. This way at the very least, I still have a say in my life, and I can focus on finding my way back to the love needed to validate my existence. Liking myself is the failsafe. Loving myself is ideal. Either way, I can join that divine, emotional intelligence that keeps teaching me to let go, forgive myself, and be patient. I find other things to do while my dreams beautifully unfold in front of me. I don’t know everything. That sounds boring.
No one knows more than I do about my life experience than me. No one needs me. I don’t need others. I want others. I want to be wanted. I want myself. I want joy, freedom, and expansion. These are the things I’m focusing on while my biggest, most ambitious dreams come true. Patience, I discovered, is a virtue I can strengthen. Dostoyevsky mentioned the harder you try, the worst it will become. At the beginning of dawn, Monday morning, May 29, I heard a little voice tell me, as I lay in a melancholy state in the safety of my comforter and periwinkle sheets, “Letting go is receiving.” My day was instantly made brighter, and I was resilient.
Confirmations of this were given to me by dear friends, David, Celeste, Trena, Keemie, Alice, and Rachel. On the first day of my 30-day challenge, my friend, Rachel, posted a GIF of a literal avalanche. In my video for the challenge, I said I am open to receiving the avalanches of abundance in regard to wealth, health, love, and perfect self-expression. I caught myself getting in the way again by saying,” Whoa! I mean that metaphorically!” That’s when I caught myself! It was soon remedied, and I was back on track. Thank you, Rachel, for your blessing!
The videos for the challenge can be seen on Instagram: @beautiful_boi_atlas_phoenix. Follow me to see the progress!
In Preproduction: Beautiful Boi
Since March 2021, I’ve recorded tons of video footage and audio to capture a wide variety of all things regarding my transition. I also recorded several therapy sessions over the last year. Some of these clips will be included in Beautiful Boi.
I struggled as I tried to figure out the concept for years. The reason is that I’m not just talking about my transition. Honestly, it’s interesting, but my body isn’t the only piece of me that is transitioning. My mind is transmuting.
From March 2020 to May 2022, I experienced what is known as the Dark Night of the Soul. This triggered two things: my kundalini awakening and the start of the humiliating, bittersweet road to ego death. These are roads that I will travel for the rest of my life. Life is not about a destination but about a daily practice.
These last three years have been otherworldly. The trigger actually started on April 10, 2018. Eleven days later, I would meet someone who changed my life every single day since. That relationship would churn me into the person I am today. The churning process was death and rebirth, happening at the same time. Ancestor, David Bowie said that life isn’t a journey. “We are departing and arriving at the same time.”
I’ve written two essays about the beginning of this process for the Walker Art Center’s MN Artists page. You can find the links to them in my blogs.
I realized that I’m not making a typical documentary but instead more of a personal visual essay that blends nonfiction, fiction, and dream states. This discovery was a few weeks ago. It was beautiful to allow myself to take ownership of this concept. Affirmation came in a YouTube Video about Portuguese literary artist, Francesco Pesseo, the author of The Book of Disquiet. It was found and published 47 years after his death in 1982. Here’s the link to this video.
Now, I can gleefully begin writing the treatment. I’m creating the budget and forging a path forward with my GoFundMe and affordable monthly Patron Plans. Near the end of the year, I will be selling shares of Beautiful Boi to produce it. Please consider donating and becoming a Patron!
Grants that I received for Beautiful Boi include:
The Creative Support Grant from the Minnesota State Arts Board (2 years: 2021/2022)
The Artist’s Development Grant from the Jerome Foundation (2021)
The Next Step Fund from Metropolitan Regional Arts Council (2022)
I’ve recently applied for the Media Arts Grant from the Jerome Foundation and for the McKnight Media Artists Fellowship. I hear back in a few weeks for the fellowship and a few months for the Media Arts Grants.
I’ll be applying for two more grants and a fellowship.
Ordinary: One of Two Mini-Mes of Beautiful Boi
"We do not see things as they are, we see them as we are." - Ancestor, Anaïs Nin
Ordinary, a short film, is one of two mini-mes of Beautiful Boi. The other is Do I Qualify for Love?. They can be seen on my website with a monthly patron plan starting as low as $3 a month.
Synopsis:
In a personal, experimental essay, Ordinary asks the question, "Have your eyes really seen (me?)."
A patchwork quilt of intersecting identities, Ordinary, weaves together multiple storylines to explore the purpose of identifiers and their meaning. Atlas questions whether identifiers truly identify anyone.
Ordinary was created in June. It was intended to be a live performance of a monologue I wrote about my skin, but I tested positive for covid the day before the show. Jennifer Hupfer Ilse and Paul Herwig of Off-Leash Productions, the producers of Off-Kilter’s “Organ Recital,” asked if I could film it and send it in place of my live performance. I used footage from Beautiful Boi and created Ordinary. Simon M. Sperl would go on to make the musical score for the finished film. He did a fantastic job.
Ordinary has won two film awards: Coup de Coeur (a favorite of the favorites) at AVIFF: Cannes Art Film Festival in Cannes, France, and a bronze REMI award from the Worldfest Houston International Film Festival.
It’s been an Official Selection in seven festivals so far, starting in Sao Paulo, Brazil: 16th FOR RAINBOW - Festival of Cinema and Culture of Sexual and Gender Diversity, Tampa Bay Transgender Film Festival, TRANSlations: Seattle Trans Film Festival, TAG! Queer Shorts Festival in Portland, Oregon, Out and Loud Pune International Queer Film Festival in Pune, Maharashtra, India, FilmPride - Brighton & Hove Pride LGBTQIA+ Film Festival in England.
I’ll be sharing more updates as I hear from seven festivals by the end of June.
If you’re not a subscribed member or a monthly patron, be sure to sign up for my newsletters!
Thank You to My New Subscribers and Monthly Patrons!
A special thanks to all my subscribers that have signed up over the last year since the launch of this website.
An extra special thank you to my monthly Patrons for supporting my work with your Patron Plan account. This means the world to me! So thank you so much!!
Gender Meowster
Jem Jenson
Chris Aguilar-Garcia
Danielle Galyean
My dream-big goal is to have 50 new subscribers and 20 new patrons by the end of the year. If you know of anyone who would be interested in supporting a DIY auteur, lover, and tinkerer, please share this link with them: www.beautifulboi.com! Artists can't make work without their community! Thank You so much!!
Thank you for reading this blog!
Have a wonderful day and remember: You are Enough! Be your own inspiration. Renounce fear. Be kind to yourself. Step into your Power!
With all the Love across the Universe,
Take care and be well,
Atlas